WOODPECKERS DON'T GET HEADACHES:
The Psychology of Stress, Addiction, and Relationships
By Richard E. Hardy, Ed.D.
A Lay Reader
PREFACE
This book focuses on solutions to everyday problems which plague us all and make life much less enjoyable than it can be. Negative human traits are on a continuum and resurface in disguise; therefore, this book has no chapters. Stop at your own places--make your spaces! Remember, reframing enhances learning and is an important aspect of this work.
In that addiction of various types is one of our major social problems, emphasis is placed on various aspects of it and woven throughout. Spiritualism and its positive health benefits are also emphasized.
Sidebar descriptions are often for clarification and amplification for what is being read, been read, or is coming. They also offer tangential ideas.
I would like to thank Jacqueline Duresky of Best Secretarial Services for her outstanding professional clerical support.
Dick Hardy
Richmond, Virginia
2001
To modify an old saying, "Much of life is folly and only the world wise few know it."
"Above” the mountain wolf, the snow rabbit lacks a “mind.” A “mind” seems to require labeling, filtering, polarizing (everything is all good or all bad), overgeneralizing, catastrophizing, feelings of inadequate power, and the ability to mysteriously know what others are thinking. By overgeneralizing, I mean stretching the negative so we can worry more. We over focus our “minds” to control others who are uncontrollable. Yet, faulty thinking, which we all recognize as weakening or disabling, drains the human soul
even as we experience it on an intellectual level. In order to
partially master faulty thinking, we must understand it on an emotional level. We experience the consequences of such thinking--being exhausted by it (stressed out). And so a health goal is reduction of toxic thoughts.
We never put faulty thinking totally to rest, and yet we can greatly reduce it by being aware of it and doing regular homework–keeping journals, catching ourselves in inadequate and inappropriate thoughts, and often changing behaviors by acknowledging fault and taking responsibility. And so we resist “mind” demons by recognizing them as such and, thereby, take away some of their power as they appear and reappear in all our lives.
Most of what we worry about never happens. Worry just distracts us from our present focus (and may cause us to miss seeing the truck that runs the light). So we should worry about worrying.
If we plan worrying, we might stop some of the worrying.
"No man is happy who does not think himself so."
Syrus–Maxin, 584
"Right and wrong, profit and loss–rid yourself of these forever." Senetsan (Zen Concept)
"There is no truth in polar opposites." (Even Hitler, an ultimate despicable character, was loved by his dog and he returned the love.) In other words, human qualities and characteristics are on a continuum. To think of people as devils or angels is irrational and incorrect. It is worrisome thinking.
Talking about worry, people who have had near death experiences report never fearing death again. This is true of many, if not nearly all, who have such experiences. They describe the experience as one of personal powerfulness and "light."
If these people have let go of fearing death itself, maybe the rest of us can stop some of our fearing and anticipating tomorrow. The focus on being here and living in the present moment (now) often takes away fear and unreasonable anticipatory anxiety.
Life seems to be often what we miss as we look to the future.
Only by giving up the fear of death itself can we truly enjoy living itself, according to many writers, including E. H. Erikson.
It is interesting that those who know they are dying are often the most comfortable among us, and they often give peace to others even while they are experiencing pain. They are able to comfort those who love them, and those who they love. We have much to learn!
We all have different life experiences and often, as a result, believe that life is unfair and should be different than it is in reality. Yet, things are as they are so “perfection” is what we experience. It’s just life. The world will never be the same for everyone. The world is perfect in its imperfections. A world that was totally fair would offer little challenge and be quite boring.
All pleasure and suffering is relative to you as an individual. While we see massive starvation in Africa and can empathize, our suffering is relative to us personally. We and our families may not be starving, but our problems emotionally tend to climb to the same level of concern of those who are attempting to survive, in that we are individuals and they are individuals. Our concerns can rise to a level of survival stress, when in fact we are dealing with the every day aspects of living a “normal” life. If we have, for instance, a sick family member under excellent care, we worry. The worry can be on a level of intensity equivalent to some of our own worst problems. This does not mean that we shouldn't care about others. It means we should do what we can for others and reduce the worry once we have done what we can do.
Bad things happen to everyone. Even crooks and gangsters, as well as saints, get sick. It is what we do with good and bad events that makes life for each of us a special event. And so, when the bad events come, each has to decide whether to cut and run or stand and learn. We take responsibility for our errors in life’s battles for doing what is right for us personally, as well as what is right for others. In other words, events or occurrences and how these are handled define us. How we manage the issues–problems–is the key. Taking responsibility for human error, feeling remorse and pain if we have erred and attempting personal growth, and change because of the experience is the goal.
If we simply blame bad events on unfairness, we will be stuck with the feeling of being out of control and see events happening to us with our having no responsibility.
We must clear our heads to see the answer rather than be overwhelmed by the problem. We must go into a "no-thingness"–an emptying of the mind–in order to find what has been called the "fertile void"–to see what comes to us
from the empty mind. Often by “emptying” the mind, an
answer will come to us. In other words, cut back on the stress-loaded thinking and strategizing. Let your mind and body, while in a state of rest, decide the appropriate option. “From the desert the most beautiful flowers can bloom.”
By speaking before we think, we may feel foolish and
unguarded. That is defensiveness, and we can mislead
ourselves by planning what we are going to say. You probably have had the experience of talking with someone and observing that they are planning what they are going to say as you are speaking. In other words, they are not listening to you. This can be harmful to them in two ways. One, they miss something which you might say of value, and two, they often say what they believe is most appropriate in an effort to hide personal problems and weaknesses. I am not advocating an open kimono approach to telling everyone all issues. I am advocating openness with trustworthy selected friends. We have friendships at different levels of trust.
When a love relationship ends, there is enormous pain. We, however, then allow ourselves to later open up to other or new aspects of living or passion which called for fulfillment in the first place. And so by speaking without thinking with selected others and at appropriate times, we can get more deeply in touch with how we really feel, and our friends and partners can understand how we feel as people and help us. In addition, we hurt others less if we leave a relationship when they fully understand how we feel. So often in attempting to shelter one we have loved or continue to love but need to leave, we mislead by making the least hurtful statements. I do not advocate being hurtful, but gently straightforward so that people do not go through long periods trying to figure why a relationship ended. In my
opinion, in the United States, in particular, or the West, we
do not know how to end relationships. And so we back away from ending them, attempt to allow them to fade out in order not to hurt the other person and to avoid pain of our own. The best approach more than likely is to state the problem gently and objectively, correct the relationship issue if possible, and if not, indicate that in your way of thinking and feeling, the time has come for a change.
We need to examine the requirements which we place
on ourselves. Perfection issues come forth for all of us, and
we try to be the best at everything. Often just being in the game, on the job, or vacation is good enough. If you have earned one accomplishment, ask yourself, “Isn't this enough?” And yet, others will ask, “What will you do
now?” No matter if you write a book that is highly
successful, the first question is, “What is your next book?” These kinds of pressures should not be given in to, and maybe we should say in answer, “This is my project and I am pleased with it. I hope others will be, too. What happens next will come when and if it occurs.” We push ourselves to the extent that we miss the essence of the experience of living in the here and now. In trying to be the best at whatever we do, we miss out on doing many things which could be quite enjoyable if we would allow ourselves
to be mediocre.
To paraphrase Charlie Chaplin, “A thing worth doing is worth doing poorly.” And if it's worth doing poorly, it's certainly worth doing in a mediocre way. Doing something, whether it's playing a musical instrument poorly, writing to friends for pleasure, cooking just to eat, or whatever is fine. Ask yourself if you avoid an activity for fear of being inadequate at it. If you do, you may avoid the opportunity to be one who at least attempts the activity and has the experience. The benefits of doing something poorly include increased self-esteem from trying, immunity to criticism from competitive and toxic others, and the opportunity to improve as well as laugh at yourself. Your confidence will improve with appropriate thinking. For instance, “I am a good sport to even try this, and especially in the presence of others.” Learners have more fun!
We can give ourselves confidence in times of trouble by remembering other times in our lives when we have done the smallest of things well. Once we remember that feeling of confidence from the past, we can actually call it up again and improve our current performance via the memory of previous confidence. Remember Hemingway’s words about Paris being a “movable feast.” Once you have felt confidence, you can give it to yourself again.
Know that you don't have to do everything well. The world was built by people just doing things, as well as people doing things well.
An idle “mind” is a “mind” in pain. And
so occupy your mind, especially with the so-called little things in life--your small experiences--the smile of a neighbor, the enjoyment of a bird flying, the breeze on your face, and the fact that you are doing something that you enjoy. Often when we try to acquire proficiency, the skill may be there, but performance fear is in the way.
So as we think, so as we are. As the old saying goes, there
is no heaven nor hell--only thinking makes it so. We can change our experience of everyday life by occupying our mind and self-entertaining, while being with others is highly important from a mental/physical health point of view. And yet, we can really engage others when we feel we can be ourselves which means revealing personal imperfection. Imperfection is just being human. Ain’t it great!
Our mental processes determine our lives. We can ruin our health and our lives, in general, through our thoughts. One of the great concepts in recent years is that we can change
our lives with our attitudes. We can fashion the tools we
use to build ourselves heavenly mansions of joy and strength or allow ourselves to experience a miserable existence through self-condemnation and overly competitive strivings, catastrophizing, and playing “what if” games. So, ask yourself the question: "So what if" rather than "What if." The “so” allows you to know that you can come up with an intelligent solution and that you will. Remember, if you have done all that can be done, that can be seen as a partial solution, although inelegant.
Although when we have a threatening event upcoming, we can obsess about the possible “what ifs” or we can prepare for the event as best as possible. After we have done what we can, we should then ask a friend, a lawyer, or a doctor for help. We all worry and yet the worry can be reduced enormously by turning over those things that should be turned over to friends, relatives, professionals, etc. Yet we stay in control of what is done for us by others. It is our problem! Life is never finished in terms of problems. We will never get to the time
when everything is done and all problems are solved. I heard a lady say recently that her 83-year-old mother continued to worry about her, although she was 50 and had no real problems.
The approach is to take on the problems as they come. As the old saying goes, "It's not that we have problems, it's how we handle these mistakes or problems that can give us strength." Even death, when we stay in the here and now, takes care of itself. We fear it because it is unknown. Yet, people who have experienced near-death experiences report they will never fear death again--many look forward to passing from their physical body to an astral one. This does not mean they are unconcerned about how they die. Believe in something beyond yourself if you wish to open your mind to life’s miracles.
Certainly there can be suffering before death, yet many have very little of this. Yet, we don't know how it will be for us. The concept here is for us to relax with it in that all we can do is to keep ourselves healthy, out of harm's way--
fasten our seat belts. Many people who have had near-death experiences report flashbacks in which life experiences rush through their minds. At the time of a body's death, many report being in touch with relatives and friends who seem nearby and give them comfort. These are reports which are widely available in the literature. Many are refuted by scientists and explained in terms of neurological functioning during the dying process. And so, each of us has the
opportunity to decide whether we think there is more to this
than all this or when it’s over, it’s over. The last option, to me, seems to be the height of arrogance.
Again, the more we live life, including death, in the here and now, the more comfortable we are. The more we can give up ego and image problems, the more comfortable we are. Even if we experience severe pain and discomfort in the dying process as we pass to another type of existence, we can focus on the passing and giving our body away when death is inevitable and be comforted in the present by knowing peace is near!
When we are “down,” we often try too hard to feel better too quickly. If we stay with our emptiness or uncomfortable feelings, we often get in touch with the more genuine parts of ourselves. So much of our suffering is unnecessary, but we should let ourselves be down emotionally at times, be bored at times. These are normal human experiences. Sometimes a period of allowing yourself just time to be bored increases your awareness of something missing in life--something crying out for fulfillment. In other words, we can deal paradoxically with depression and low mood by staying with them for a period of time in order to determine what we can learn or experience. If we are lonely, for instance, we may simply become tired of that miserable feeling and decide to read a book, do something creative to occupy our minds, or go be where other people are. Whether we think they will interact with us or not, we should be where others are. A walk in the mall can be better than sitting at home alone.
This approach is not avoidance of feelings, but confrontation of them. Drugs, including alcohol, are avoidance substances which leave us unhealthy, as well as lonely. Once we substitute these for normal feelings of boredom in attempting to escape to a more pleasant, carefree world, we activate the pleasure center in our brain which from then on can cry out to us for substances to make it feel better. This
part of the brain has been called the "beast." Once the beast has been fed, it will always want for another meal. And so, we need to experience life as it is, including boredom, emptiness, loneliness, as well as wonder.
We should do what we can to change the things we don't like in a natural way and lower our expectations for a perfect and pleasant existence which many believe should be
LIFE IS
available all of the time. Life just is as it is!
Tough love comes into play when a person you love must be hurt or deprived by you to make changes which can only come through consequences. I am not speaking of abuse or injury. I'm talking about the concept of participating with people when in recovery or while making progress and distancing or staying out of their lives when they are acting in a negative way. You may have to cut off support even while the loved one is sick or in a down position to bring about a full consequence--one that will be severe enough to change self-destructive behavior (drugs, for instance). This can take years with the only solace for you being hope for the best through a lifestyle change on both your part and
your loved one's. To continue to lessen the consequences for your
loved one will make the problem worse.
If you accept and support unhealthy behavior, you will also rob the person of knowing that they have made it without you once the change is made. A good rule is to help when you see definite progress--recovery or significant change--and stay away during the self-abuse. Realize addiction comes before family and loved ones. An individual who is addicted is wedded to the addiction, and while that person may love others, the addiction will come first. Addiction behaviors can be changed, as well as other behaviors through this approach.
For the person with an addiction, lying is part of a lifestyle.
The lies come to the great heartbreak of all who are attempting to help or hold out for consequences that are helpful enough and painful enough so that the individual may change behavior. Addiction to whatever, whether it be gambling, substances, sex, etc., all carries a similar pattern.
HELP
Twelve-step programs are free and quite helpful to many. These include Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Sex Anonymous, with various other programs for family members. These programs can be also quite helpful to individuals who don't abuse substances, but who have problems with intimacy and living healthy lifestyles; for instance, co-dependency.
As we look at consequences, we can see that these range from isolation and feelings of helplessness and despair on the part of both helper and addict.
Many of the finest homes and families have been torn apart due to substance abuse. Negative consequences have the best chance of winning the battle of changing the behavior. Monetary support may have to be cut off and rehabilitation
required, and yet an addict cannot be talked into ending
an addiction. The person must want to stop due to negative consequences. Many have completed their 28 days in various addiction and rehabilitation programs only to drink or use addictive substances on the way home. Consequence--it is what can make the difference!
Sexual problems always come with dependency on substances. The alcoholic will be affected by personal inadequacy feelings. The male may experience brewer’s droop (flaccid penis). Love and affection leave when the third party (alcohol, for instance) is in the bedroom.
Relapse is especially excruciating for a parent or one who loves an addict and who has the power to mitigate or eliminate a negative consequence only to know that a behavior will repeat itself, and the addict will also feel abandoned. Addiction is a disease of relapse even after years. The individual may even behave worse or more dangerously to
self or others than before (driving under the influence, for instance). The challenge to the helper is to avoid enabling. Again, help during recovery and stay away during abuse.
The greatest love one can have for someone is to say "No," when consequences could be lessened or eliminated in the moment by "Yes." We must love an individual enough to know that we believe that the power exists within him/her to improve life. We must never take away the individual’s belief that he/she can be and is self-sustaining.
And when consequences work, a new world begins. The pain that's passed is in the past and the appreciation enormous, especially that the addict or individual acting inappropriately is not robbed of knowing that salvation
came from within, not only from an outside source. Saving oneself is an enormous ego enhancement. Addiction of all kinds might be termed something like "reward activation disorder." Remember, people often self-medicate to avoid dealing with everyday problems (reality).
The brain has a pleasure center which, if not satisfied in the case of the addict, will cry out for a more dangerous lifestyle as the individual attempts to fill emptiness, loneliness, and boredom through self-medicating or potentially injurious behaviors.
Families and loved ones are victims if they allow themselves to be. We must all realize that if we depend on the behavior of others for our happiness, our children may desert us, and spouses and significant others disappoint us. Because we live in a fantasy world, we expect others to please us and to give or do what we would if we were in
their position. This is a term called "entitlement" which
confuses us. We tell ourselves that we would not do what someone else is doing or that we would do something differently if we had the choice. Yet, others live their own lives and are in their own life productions (almost as a play) for their own reward and life experience. This is the way life is.